My Own Prison
by vashgirl
Summary: This is a songfic about Jetstorm's thoughts when he's trapped inside Silverbolt's mind. Jetstorm is sort of a potty-mouth here.


Vashgirl: Hello, it's me! I got the urge to write an angsty fic to balance the happyness of Past Reborn! So here's Jetstorm after the war between the Maximals and Vehicons on Cybertron.  
  
//- She's writing angst now.........Save me, please  
  
Vashgirl: Shut up!  
  
Disclaimer: Aw, come on! You know I don't own anything!  
  
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My Own Prison  
  
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You'd think it would be dark here, wouldn't you? You'd think that it'd just be dark and filled with nothing, right? Wrong. Every second I am surrounded by memories that do not belong to me, and feelings that have no right to torture me. I see everything that's happening, yet I can do nothing about it. My ability to vocalize my thoughts is gone, and my limbs are tied. I can do nothing to change what is going on in the world around me.  
  
I watch as the lovers cuddle and kiss, and shudder. Yet another thing I cannot change. Love. I would retch if I could. For love to exist between the two robots before me, I had to pay the price! I had to be trapped in this prison of my own spark so _he_ could give voice to his thoughts and move his body and live a life _he_ deemed worth living! I entertain myself with images from when I controlled this body. I could fly then. I could feel the wind blow against my face and I could change what was going on so it could benifit me and me alone. A bit of memory of a human song he had heard once on their primitive radio signals bubbles up to the surface to haunt me.  
  
~A court is in session, a verdict is in  
  
No appeal on the docket today  
  
Just my own sin  
  
  
  
The walls are cold and pale  
  
The cage made of steel  
  
Screams fill the room  
  
  
  
Alone I drop and kneel  
  
Silence now the sound  
  
My breath the only motion around  
  
Demons cluttering around  
  
  
  
My face showing no emotion  
  
Shackled by my sentence  
  
Expecting no return  
  
Here there is no penance  
  
  
  
My skin begins to burn  
  
So I held my head up high  
  
Hiding hate that burns inside  
  
Which only fuels their selfish pride  
  
  
  
We're all held captive  
  
Out from the sun  
  
A sun that shines on only some.~  
  
  
  
Yes, on only some. A group that I am not, and likely will never, be a part of. I was his evil, his darkness. I was what he never wanted to be. I was what he kept from the world.  
  
  
  
~Alone I drop and kneel  
  
Silence now the sound  
  
My breath the only motion around  
  
Demons cluttering around~  
  
  
  
Demons. Yes. Demons from both his mind and mine. A dark thought, a whisper of uncertainty, an urge to kill, a moment's loss of control. All these demons he hid from the world, and her. My demons, though, my demons were free. I lived them and I do not regret them. I smile to myself, at least there is one thing that I do not share with him. I am not affected by what dark things I thought and carried out in the past. Hell, I _was_ dark, as evil as I wanted to be. He, on the other hand, fights it. He must keep up his image, after all. And his image cannot be contaminated by the small dark corner of his mind that is me. My moment of satisfaction is short-lived though, as I am once again reminded of my imprisonment as he kissed her.  
  
I try to scream out my anger, my blind hate, to those who trapped me in this torturous happiness that does not belong to me for their own selfish reasons. They had no right!  
  
Megatron could have chosen anyone to imprint my personality on! He could have given me some 'bot that didn't give a damn! He could have! But he had to have his advantage! He had to have his emotional lever against the Maximals! He had to give me this one!  
  
The image of the she-spider swims before me through his eyes, and another burst of anger wells up within me.  
  
That femme bot condemned me! The mate to that idiot who thinks he's some kind of Sir Galahad condemned me to this hell because of him! She banished me to this Pit of memories and emotions so that he could exist! She made me pay for a crime that I didn't commit! It wasn't my fault that I'd been programmed into his spark, it wasn't my fault that he was chosen to house me! It wasn't my fault! Why did I have to pay for that witch's ambitions?!  
  
I try to scream, to roar, to howl to the world my hate for him and his witch. But, as always, nothing. Yet, I find myself satisfied, in away. Whenever I am consumed with hatred for him like this, he is depressed. He starts reminicing about what 'he' did as me, and how much he enjoyed it. Oh, yes, he loved it. He was free of his 'image'. Free to do as he pleased and free to be evil and menacing, and everything he wasn't before. He was me, and I reveled in our darkness.  
  
Exept it was me in the cockpit then.  
  
Yes, I had to follow Megatron's orders and attack his comrades. Yes, I enjoyed the shoot to kill orders I got. I enjoyed toying with the wench and her pathetic emotions. I enjoyed it all.  
  
But he was willing. He enjoyed it right along with me. His only regret was that he couldn't do it himself. Oh, but when it came to the witch he was not willing. He didn't want to hurt his 'beloved'. He wanted to show mercy for her.  
  
That's why I'd loved torturing her with him.  
  
But I'm not willing. I do not jump at the chance to coddle and kiss and talk philosophical crap. I do not enjoy long monologues about justice. I do not enjoy his life. I do not enjoy my own life, a mere shadow of what it once was.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
He's asleep now. This is the time I hate most. This is when it is truely dark in my world.  
  
It's not like the dark when you can barely make out a shape two feet from your nose, and not the dark where if you look hard enough, you can just see little bit of light, and if you could only reach it.....  
  
It's not like any of that.  
  
It's the kind of dark where you can't see anything at all. A total, consuming darkness that absorbs everything, where there's not even a dim glitter of something to keep you going until morning.  
  
You see, ever since he got in control of his body again, he hasn't been dreaming.  
  
It's because I'm here. It's because I did enough things to make any dream run screaming. It's my nightmare.  
  
I hate being alone. Call it paranoia. Even when I was in the most trouble, when I was the most alone back then, I wasn't. I'd always had at least one drone with me. Or one Maximal to shoot at, to curse at me. Something, someone was always with me.  
  
Not now. At night, I am absolutely alone. No presence of him to annoy me, no goody-two-shoes thought or feeling to infuriate me, no nothing. I shiver in the absolute cold of dreamlessness. I try to cry out my fear, but that function had been terminated long ago. I try to wake him, to surround myself with his foolishness, as I try every night, but I don't have that either.  
  
I've lost everything.  
  
I lost the hope of escape form this prison long ago. I lost the will to do anything but shiver silently in my terror, in the black darkness of my spark. I even lose my identity in his at times. The most I can do now is tweak his mind until he remembers what it felt like when he was me.  
  
I've lost so much........  
  
I long to drown under the black waves of oblivion. Yes, if only I could. But I cannot unless he does as well, and his will is strong enough to never let that happen.  
  
~We're all held captive  
  
Out from the sun  
  
A sun that shines on only some~  
  
Sometimes I scare myself, you know. I, the fearless Vehicon General, am terrified of some of the things I think. When I admire him for the things he does, for the things he has, for what he is. For the sunlight that shines on him and his comrades. I scare myself when I start thinking that I might, just might, like to live like him. To have someone to love me despite what I have done, friends to forgive me when I do wrong, others who care whether I live or die and not worry if their masterplan will unravel because of it. People who give a damn.  
  
I frighten myself when I envy him, when I find myself feeling sympathy for him, when I worry for him and the others.  
  
~A lion roars in the darkness Only he holds the key A light to free me from my burden And grant me life eternally~  
  
And in all the mindnumbing darkness, a pinprick if light shines. It's not very big, not very big at all, but it's there. It makes the darkness retreat slightly, makes it stop suffocating me for a nanosecond, lending me the hope of a life where there is only me inside...  
  
Then the dark takes it again, and pushes me deeper into its bowels, deeper into the hatred and the complete and total sensory systems shut down.  
  
~I cry out to God  
  
Seeking only his decision  
  
Gabriel stands and confirms  
  
I've created my own prison.~  
  
And for the first time in my life, despite the termination of that ability so long ago, I cry. Strange fluid blurrs the pristine clarity of my vision and traces a path down the metal of my faceplate. I wimper into the darkness. That light had bee so warm, so comfortingly warm.....  
  
And I am afraid.  
  
Matrix, Optimus, Silverbolt, help me! Take me away from here! Make me whole and me again! Somebody! Please!  
  
~I've created my own prison...~  
  
....Anybody....  
  
  
  
...Please...  
  
  
  
And I know that no one will hear me. I know that no one can rescue me from my prison as I lay here in nothingness. To be free would mean that Silverbolt would have to live as I am, and I will not see him suffer this. For all my hate, for all that I am, I will not allow that. There are some that would not care if he would be locked in here, alone in all the world for the memories that surround him....  
  
But never, never will I allow another to suffer my fate. I smile through my terror, through my tears. I have grown far too soft...  
  
  
  
I truly have created my own prison.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
WEEEELLLLLLLL.......How was it? Was it good? Did it suck? Do you just plain not care? Whatever the response, please go to the purple box right down there and tell me!  
  
Jetstorm: You made me look like some scared little dork!  
  
^-^ Yes, I did.  
  
Jetstorm: Now everyone thinks I'm some sort of wuss!  
  
o No they don't!  
  
Jetstorm: Yes they do!  
  
^-^ I wuv you!  
  
Jetstorm: Is that your way to suck up?  
  
^-^ Yes.  
  
Jetstorm: You know that doesn't let you off the hook.  
  
^-^ Yes.  
  
Jetstorm: Good.  
  
Vash: Would this be a bad time to say Love and Peace?  
  
-_- Oh, shut up.  
  
  
  
MY OWN PRISON: BY CREED  
  
A court is in session, a verdict is in  
  
No appeal on the docket today  
  
Just my own sin  
  
  
  
The walls are cold and pale  
  
The cage made of steel  
  
Screams fill the room  
  
  
  
Alone I drop and kneel  
  
Silence now the sound  
  
My breath the only motion around  
  
Demons cluttering around  
  
  
  
My face showing no emotion  
  
Shackled by my sentence  
  
Expecting no return  
  
Here there is no penance  
  
  
  
My skin begins to burn  
  
So I held my head up high  
  
Hiding hate that burns inside  
  
Which only fuels their selfish pride  
  
  
  
We're all held captive  
  
Out from the sun  
  
A sun that shines on only some  
  
We the meek are all in one  
  
  
  
I hear a thunder in the distance  
  
See a vision of a cross  
  
I feel the pain that was given  
  
On that sad day of loss  
  
  
  
A lion roars in the darkness  
  
Only he holds the key  
  
A light to free me from my burden  
  
And grant me life eternally  
  
  
  
Should have been dead  
  
On a Sunday morning  
  
Banging my head  
  
No time for mourning  
  
  
  
Ain't got no time  
  
So I held my head up high  
  
Hiding hate that burns inside  
  
Which only fuels their selfish pride  
  
  
  
We're all held captive  
  
Out from the sun  
  
A sun that shines on only some  
  
We the meek are all in one  
  
  
  
I cry out to God  
  
Seeking only his decision  
  
Gabriel stands and confirms  
  
I've created my own prison./ 


End file.
